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From:
Erdoes, Mary E <
Sent:
Sunday, August 28, 2011 1:31 PM
To:
jeevacation@gmail.com*
Cc:
Staley, les
Subject:
Conversations
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FSreom
nt::
PM
Subject:
thoughts
To:
JE Jail <jeevacation@gmail.com>
My guess is, as you see this long letter, you are tempted to skim through, quickly find the point, see what I
want from you and move on. You won't find it. This is not a plea. It's more of a revelation and there is a lot to
digest. I have been slowly making notes for months so there is no sense of urgency and I hope you can find a
moment of peace to really read the words and know they are sincere.
I want to start by saying I am grateful for you being a part of my life throughout the years. I also feel
extremely lucky to have been able to do what I did during the past six months. I wish you too had the luxury of
being able to leave behind everything and everyone you know, step outside of the cushy cotton room and try
living a completely new and different life. It's been a wild ride and I am in awe of the outcome.
For over a year, you had been the one saying you were not yourself. Although you didn't have the tools to fix
the problem, you were disciplined enough to identify it. Meanwhile, it never occurred to me how far from
myself I had wandered over the years. I can't even read many of the emails I sent you. without cringing. I am
really embarrassed I let it get so far. Really embarrassed...
I can only imagine your frustration and I hope you will one day forgive me for so ignorantly pushing the limits
of your love and patience. I believe you did your best trying to open my eyes. I vividly remember you telling
me I would realize this one day when it would be too late. I was tough to tame.
A few months ago, I watched a psychology lecture about the importance of vulnerability, which struck a
chord. That's when I decided to start putting on paper those of my realizations you deserve to know about.
even though some are not fun for me to share.
During the first few months when something happened that proved your point, I couldn't help thinking you had
somehow organized it. In time, I slowly stopped expecting you to jump out from underneath the tables or
behind the doors and I really started having fun experimenting with all those little tricks I had watched you use
over the years. I always knew you were smart but after closely examining some of your advice and strategies.
I don't know how you have the patience to live among normal people. The advantages of getting things done
in person, your shit sandwich, the real benefits of staying fit, the need for follow up. using your charm to open
doors followed by a firm approach to close the deal or the value of making people feel welcome and good
about themselves in your company are just a few of my favorites.
In light of full disclosure, I want to share some thoughts about my bad behavior in our relationship. I owe an
apology to you and those of your confidants who labeled the problems correctly over the years. I must say
again that I never intentionally deceived you - I was much too stubborn to admit these things even to myself at
the time. I absolutely believed I was the best girl you could wish for. However, my behavior did not even
loosely resemble the person I though myself to be.
The fact is I got spoiled. But it is not the maids, chefs or drivers that I miss. I took for granted being
surrounded by and exposed to great minds. Instead I chose to focus on those less great and that's a shame.
Watching TED talks has become somewhat of an addiction for me lately and I can't believe I had access to
most of those people for years. There are so many questions I wish I had asked when I had the opportunity..
I also blamed you for my insecurities. My body issues were more serious than you ever knew and feeling
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inadequate was indeed a big reason behind my jealousy and ridiculous demands. While it's no secret that
helping girls get over their insecurities was never your forte. I aggravated the situation by putting that burden
on you. 1 relied on you to make me feel good about myself when it was ultimately all in my control. As I am
writing this, I recognize it sounds like a cliché but there is no way around it. I let myself get annoyed about the
pettiest things, subconsciously knowing you would suddenly find time and talk to me. Unfortunately, it was the
only way I knew to get your full attention, although negative, for more than a few minutes. So I picked stupid
fights with you to get noticed, like a little kid... Wow, it's harsh to see that so clearly now and I don't like